Fear is the end -

mm hanging with only good people, and no haters, is doing wonders for me.
i love all my good friends. maybe this has been better, a growing experience, letting me find out who really cares and who i shouldn't even deign to adknowledge.
well fuck, it's like spring cleaning man.
oh so much fun in the air. excitement! christttmas! eeh!

There are no psychological repercussions from what I'm doing. Most parts of me are unexplored - this is simply an excavation. An anthropological dig. Research. To delve inside oneself takes courage and fortitude. I am not afraid, anymore. The tarot was right!
For once.

Hey, honeybunches, I never tried to get with your boyfriend. So no reason to be a bitch.

I've GOT to stop being afraid all the time! Eesh!
Vacation was a big big culture shock, and it rained the whole time. I wrote down some fancies I thought of up in the mountains but you don't want to see them.
Mountians were fabulous.
I don't want to go back to work .. I feel like i'm doing nothing with my life but i'm not going to dive into something headfirst or do something stupid just to make myself feel proactive.
I had much more to say but eh.
Radiator finally blew due to the Tom/Wreck. How appropriate. Thinking of switching to a new blog (tumblr?wordpress?) but only if sass comes with me.
Over

I don't know what to say that I haven't already said.
I love him, I hate him, I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to be just like I used to, anesthized all the time, full to the bursting with so many prescriptions I couldn't count them if I tried. I don't want to feel. I feel like the Tin Man, I wanted a heart so bad and I don't know about him, but now it's alive and I just want it gone because everyone hurts you all the time. It's human nature, I just thought better of people. I thought everyone was like us, not wanting to hurt people, or search for hurtful things to say that they knew would cut deep. It's like a horror movie that I can't just walk out of the room or cover my ears during, because it's playing inside my head and it's showing every mean, spiteful thing that was said and every pitiful thing I did to try and remedy anything and nothing is better. I see lonely, old, sad people every day and I try and think I've got my whole life to find someone who's going to make me forget about you, but deep down I still think i'm going to be one of those old lonely people still thinking that maybe something better is out there for them.
I come from a race of people that are strong and proud and don't beg or kneel to anyone. I pray to them every night, every day to give me strength and respect myself and show me what I am supposed to be doing with this life that I have. There are two different kinds of people in the world, and I want to be the other kind, but it's hard and it's a struggle every day. I find myself looking at happy people and hating them because I cannot be happy, no matter what I do. It's always ruined. I'm jealous of my friends, I know i'm no fun to be around, I can see myself being a bitch and a crab but there's nothing I can do to stop it.
My dad is taking me to Scotland for Christmas. Maybe there i'll find something i've been looking for.

wowwww...

Re-
lax.

I talked to Brijit today, and it made me feel much better. And, just seeing her and Katy was reviving. Then I gauged my ears and it hurt like fuck.
Then I watched a movie about Winston Churchill, it was good. We're all going to go to the Regina Spektor concert in Ann Arbor. Fall cheers me up a lot.

I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm a joke - I don't even respect myself. To everyone else it's like I never existed.
I didn't think I was THAT uninteresting.
Fuck

god.
work, a lot, went to PF Chang's for Alli's birthday, twas okay. Had to work the next morning, Mark forgot to leave me the key, well fuck. Yesterday went to Twelve Oaks with Rachel, sadly enough, the first time pretty much I drove out of the Fenton/Flint area (x-cepting MN) by me lonesome. Lol eighteen what? Bought a sweater, ate, the mall closed. Fuck. Need new kicks. Went to Border's, they were playing Tom Waits that I actually liked, and I found a bunch of Gonzo books, and ghetto erotica. Girls In Da Hood. My heart hurts.

frustrating frustrating frustrating frustrating

I have been running much. It feels good to know I won't hurt afterwards and all the muscles in my body working together.

I'm not necessarily happy, because I've been left in stasis (as if I am being made? lol what) but it's better than the insane hell that shit becomes when no one will talk to you.
I think I'm going to plan a trip into Europe for hopefully this winter. I don't want to go in the spring. I hate spring. People say it's like the earth's gettin' it's face all washed clean, but to me it's just like limbo between two good seasons, and I hate it and everything is dirty.
Winter is just romantic and wonderful. Maybe Scotland (yeesh, what a fucking surprise) because last winter I heard that someone went there for a trip and the phone lines went down and they were snowed into this village for weeks. PERFECT!

Hm. Well. Maybe something more conventional. We'll see.
I want to feel pretty again.

I'm reading this awesome book called "Behold A Pale Horse" by William Cooper (hopefully Cassandra will remember the Tombstone reference) which is all about government espionage and shit this guy predicted from being in the Naval Intelligence Briefing Team in the seventies. I have to interspose it with Anne of Green Gables, though. There's only so much manly manly a woman can take all at once.

Okay. I'm going to dinner with Molly and Mary tonight. It will be just like old times(??). Apparantly I'm also going to do Welcome Week at Western? Even though I'm not going to college? And everyone knows this is just an excuse for Mary to have a D.D. and be able to sleep with her ex boyfriend. Well fuck that. I'll find someone else to share a room with. I'm sick of listening to other people fuck.

Okay. So I would be ashamed of begging him to take me back if I didn't want him back so much. I never ever ever thought this would happen, not in a million years. We were meant and made for each other.
Everything reminds me of him. The shirt he picked out for me to wear after we fucked in my bed for the first time. The songs we were supposed to record. The songs we listened to together. I was watching a movie about Minneapolis and I had to turn it off. I wonder now why it offended me that he didn't care about lingerie - shouldn't I have just been happy that he liked me instead? His letters are everywhere. I have our anniversary written on every month of my calender for the next year. The foods he liked. The underwear he liked. His clothes - what do I do with them? I saw a special on Mike Hammer on tv and I couldn't call him. The shirt I was wearing the first time I went over to his house. Mary-Kate and Ashley perfume. The emails I get from Rent.com about apartments. My sleeping bag. My dance pole. His cd's. Alcohol. Pretty much anywhere I go. Emails in my inbox. My glasses.
Ahh fuck me. This is all my fault and now he's moved on and doesn't miss me and doesn't care and probably won't even read this like he used to read all my journal entries.
I only wish there was something I could do to fix this. I would change anything, even though he doesn't believe me.
Fuck self respect, I just want to hear him call me baby girl again.

I'm meeting you for the first time again in this bed
we fall and break and you just sleep
i'm sad but i'll write and look at the smile on your face. The air is hot - it weighs on me and the sweat on my skin feels like sin

Dear me dear me
I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to shake just thinking about if we'll fight and what I'll have to give up this time. I'm sick of living each day like I'm a failed suicide attempt, and I have to reassure myself that I am okay. Sex is over in fifteen minutes and I'm lonely and not reassured. My palm .. I can't see where the heart and life lines coincide anymore.. I only wear my lingerie or heels by myself, for myself. Inside my head, at night, when I'm trying to sleep, I build houses and cook five-course meals, but none of that ever materializes, does it ? In my dreams, my blonde Nordic goddess ancestors demean me and defile me for being weak. My open wounds smart as I wake up. Every costume I make is unworn, everything I plan is undone, every attempt I make is unnoticed.
I've got empty canvasses piled high and drowning me, I can't fill them with anything that's not anesthized.
What have I done fpr myself? I haven't gone to Paris, I haven't visited my homeland, I haven't loved myself in years. I haven't eaten a real meal, I haven't had my picture taken naked by someone I love, I haven't drunk champagne at midnight since Jim, I haven't hated someone I love doing drugs or drinking so much forever, what do I have now.
I have tarot cards and I have lonely alcohol and I have dreams and a sketchbook and I have a relationship I can't save if I'm the only one trying, and I have sporadic love and I have pretty dresses I don't wear and heels that make my legs look great and hurt feelings and pent up anger and no understanding and dissatisfaction. I can't comfort or console or fix all the time. I need something.

Fuuuck

Things are okay. I don't know. I feel like I've been punched in the back. Hard. My mom's out of town again. I bought more underwear. I got tatted up, and swore at the tattoo artist the whole time. I kind of wanted to fuck him. I work all the time. I opened the store for the first time today and it wasn't a disaster. I sat with three boys in a barn for a couple of hours. I want to sleep more! Together, i've probably eaten my body weight in BLT's and cheese quesadillas. I want season four of Degrassi.

Lean back, relax ..

ahhhhh
My poor white person bum is so burned. Fucking tanning. I am so tired that I can't even look at the screen without it blurring. Sheeyit. I haven't seen anyone in like a year, and I work so early all the time. Today a man told me I looked like I'd been scalped. That was a morale-booster.

Harry Potter was pretty shitty. I hate talking about it though so that's all I'll say. Plus, hot men, who cares about the plot. The books were good enough for my imagination. Lol, we kicked little kids out to get a seat, then a lady yelled at us for talking so we booked it out of there at the end so we wouldn't get involved in a beatdown.

Walter Cronkite died.

I don't want to be so BORED anymore! I have wicked bug bites all the hell over my ankles.

I'm sick as fuck of people talking about the Harry Potter premier tonight. First of all, I have no one to go with, second of all, OMFG IT'S SO ORIGINAL TO DRESS UP LIKE HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS. Bitch, I was doing that shit in the second grade.

I saw Cassandra today, that was good. even if only for a little bit. I signed up for a tanning membership, because I'm sick of being pale as shit, and having no one to romp in the sun with.
The lady forgot to turn it on, though, so I was lying there without my clothes in the dark for quite a while until I decided something was wrong and I should ask her why it wasn't turning on. Lol.

My mom opened a door into my foot, thus ripping my toenail almost completely off. I've taped it onto my toe in hopes that It'll grow back. Then she suddenly announced she was going out of town for a few days, leaving me and my dad happy happy happy because we have the house alone to party it up aka make grilled cheese and watch clint eastwood movies.

I work 5-1 on saturday. fml.

I feel like shit. Well, not really, I feel empowered, but I also feel like a lot of stuff is my fault, or I'm being blamed for it, or I'm just an asshole. I don't know, and I don't very much care anymore.
I think I'm going to turn my phone off for a week. Well, not turn it off, but just talk to becca and cassie and mary. I miss mary a lot now that she's moved into the dorms, I feel real lonely a lot, but she's coming home this weekend and going to take me up there so I will know how to get there by me lonesome. Because I'm a terrible driver.
Rachel and I went to Jaclyn's open house this weekend, and I was rejected by her lame bro and whatever the female equivalent of bro friends, so I just kicked their asses at volleyball, then Rachel and I left and took the boat out - Rachel imaginatively sang "I'm on a boat" the whole time.

I dyed my hair brown. I got promoted to assistant manager at work.
My dad pretty much finished fixing my car, we just have to paint it and shit.
My sister wants me to star in a horror film she's writing about me killing and taking over a cult from this boy who's possessed by the devil.

There's a man coming to fix the furnace soon so I have to go hide all my underwear downstairs.